I’M A DAMN SHOCKTROOPER!

So right now I’m in Taiwan, and PS3-less. The week before I left, I had picked up Valkyria Chronicles again just because I felt bad I had a game I knew I would never finish because the Batymos is a bitch.

I beat the Batymos, mofo. On my first try back into the game in four months. I flubbed up a little when I had Ramona toss a nade into the wrong radiator (and then Selvaria KO’d Ramona, so I had Juno run the gauntlet, then Freesia). Basically scouts kick major ass.

I’ll just put down my thoughts on everything this game is so awesome.

CLASSES

Scouts- I love scouts, they are so useful. I keep about 5-6 scouts in my roster, and I hope to run a skirmish with only scouts (and Rosie and Largo). In my roster I have pretty much only females… Alicia, Ramona, Freesia, Juno, Cherry, and Aika, for varying reasons. Ramona and Juno took the field in lower Fouzen, and raped some snipers with glorious headshots. And then some troopers while I was at it. Basically scouts are useful for pretty much anything. I haven’t tried it yet, but with a maxed Gallian AX and Demolition Boost (and a few CP) I could probably take out a tank with one (7-shot magazine is actually incredibly useful, it’s gotten me out of more than a few pinches in two days). They’re the bulk of my force for offense, equipped for short range (normal grenades), and long range (launchers and Gallians) and are all around pretty devastating in numbers with an Engineer for back up. On defense they’re also pretty useful, stopping troopers in long range crossfire, and in numbers (as long as they’re all facing the right direction) they can take out more than a few runners. Their huge AP bars mean more fun! except I usually stop them short and bunch them up for a barrage of grenade tossing.

Shocktroopers- I honestly don’t use troopers all that much, and despite this, I keep like 5 troopers in my roster (four if we discount the personal vow that Edy will not leave the squad no matter what, but I use her from time to time). Troopers, for me, usually show up in the middle of a mission and occasionally for hard defense, usually in the form of only Rosie, but I unlocked Lynn just before I left so who knows. Shocktroopers, as everyone knows, are for offense; I use them as an alternative for Lancers. Rosie has finished missions for me more often than not, though, but usually after a decent Demolition Boosting to rape up some tanks. As for shocktroopers, I have Rosie, Vyse, Edy, Aisha, and Lynn on standby, but I really only use Rosie (since she’s always out anyways) and deploy Lynn/Edy if the need comes up for a defender. Flamethrowers are useful in smokescreen.

Snipers- Snipers are deadly useful, even in the early game where their reticule is still smaller than the circle (Marina’s is now bigger, I dunno about Catherine’s). One of the big reasons for my success at Batymos was a string of four headshots against the units in the beginning of the scenario. I’ve gotten used to not deploying snipers until I have a decent lock on enemy positions through Edelweiss scouting/scout scouting, then ripping them out and picking off the dregs with bum rape headshots. What I dislike, not exactly a sniper flaw, is that I have 8 Royal sniper rifles and two snipers. An abundance of GSR-3Rs is acceptable, but only if I had more snipers than Marina and Catherine (but Oscar managed to pinch after Marina got KO’d). I used to start missions by wasting tons of CP sniping off whoever I could see (Barious Desert comes to mind, but I one turned that with Alicia later)

Engineers- Useful enough, they share rifles with scouts, who I always upgrade first, and have three grenades, and can fix tanks, and reload my scouts’ grenades (for more grenade launching fun). Okay, they mad useful, and their AP bars aren’t bad either. I have Karl, Nadine, and Homer in my roster, but screw Homer and his masochism, Nadine and Karl are good enough (I use one to bail out the other a lot and I’d been using Karl to unlock Lynn; Lonely is really a null potential considering he’s usually reloading people), but I usually only keep one on the field.

Lancers- I don’t really use Lancers, since Rosie gets the job done and then some, and since I leave Largo behind to avoid having to cart his non-countering ass all over the place spending four CP on Rosie is usually the better choice, and since the gun she’s using now is so accurate I can usually stand farther away. That, and the Edelweiss is so accurate I don’t eve have to bother with Lancers, since I can trade 1cp for a guaranteed shot WITH POWER. I dunno, I just got the mortars so who knows now, I might run Largo with my scouts now. Largo is usually good enough for the job, though. I dunno. I’ve got Largo, Jann, and Elysee, who I put in because her Japanese introduction (Watashi waaaa, Elysee Moooooooooooooooooore, yoroshikuuu) is so cute.

Edelweiss- I’ve only got Accuracy and Crit. Def. upgrades on the Edelweiss, really. Right now Edelweiss is at +40, which up close fits right in between the two treads of a Medium Tank. Hitting the treads on a tank is really annoying, by the way, body damage goes to hell. I can hit ground troops with my anti-armor rounds 60% of the time, but why do that when I have a mortar? I love mortars. The Edelweiss’s second cannon looks pretty beastly, and I use it a lot. The machine gun comes in handy for defense. Reaaaaally handy, especially since for some reason Lancers don’t stop in crossfire.

Shamrock- At first I was excited. Yay new tank more rape! And it has more AP! But slowly, after a few skirmishes, I fell back into the one tank routine and the Shamrock was there to provide more CP. I’ll pick him up to move him into defense, or if I’ll end up running into tough terrain and don’t want to lose the Edelweiss, but otherwise spending more CP to move an ungainly tank around (I kept him in the default set up, should I change to Flamethrower?) did not appeal to me. I’ve got Largo, Jann, and Elysee, who I put in because her Japanese introduction (Watashi waaaa, Elysee Moooooooooooooooooore, yoroshikuuu) is so cute.

STRATEGY

“Spend as little CP as possible” is a really bad strategy for me. I have to run all my CP down, whether by necessity or grand shows of play, but when I DO start building up I let it build up for a grand finish (usually involving a mortar dropping + demolition boost and a Rosie finish). I do well ranking-wise on large maps with high A-rank limits, since my general approach to the game is yukkuri shiteitte ne. First, if sniping is possible, I use snipers, usually both Catherine and Marina for a turn of fun and gun. Next, scouts run up and shoot grenades wherever possible and whatever. Third, troopers move up next to the scouts, who usually don’t move very far, and I’ll have them face a different direction from the scouts to cover my back. Alternative third, if I didn’t snipe, I’ll move an engineer up to reload everyone for another round of grenade tossing. Smoke/mortar with the Edelweiss where possible, convoy if necessary. At Naggiar 1 this actually managed a four turn Rosie finish for me (with Ramona, Alicia, Cherry, Rosie, and Marina in a tower), and eventually I sped it up for an A-rank at Marberry.

ZA GEIM

I really, really like the game. The development of the minor characters, the depth to which their personalities and stories are not only explored but utilized as actual gameplay elements, really impressed me as someone who enjoys minor characters. There’s some templating (seriously, Ramona and Cherry), and the game is understandably loose with personalities in war (seriously, Ramona and Cherry) and depictions of plausability in warfare (seriously, Ramona and Cherry). This being said, the two scouts I deploy more often than anyone are seriously, Ramona and Cherry (chou-seriously). Mostly for Undodgeable shot, which has its uses, but also because Cherry is chou-cute.

The graphics are chou-awesome, unlike anything I’ve seen before. It’s a refreshing break from the graphics Western companies use, and it flows very nicely. The whole handshading feel even moves over to the anime (which I’m watching now), and it’s a feel I really like. I installed the game before I left so I wouldn’t have to deal with loading times later; the flow of colors and details as the installation progressed were really impressive.

The music is my biggest gripe. The same composer did Final Fantasy XII, and I honestly could apply music from one game to the other. They are both INCREDIBLY SIMILAR.

EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS. Despite being a lighthearted game (seriously, Ramona and Cherry), it has its moments where the only thing that held me back from crying was the possibility of my mother laughing at me for crying. Just before I left (like literally right before) I’d finished the battle scenario for “War Without Weapons,” and couldn’t watch anything after it. The briefing scene right before it, Rosie’s reaction, though brief and just a grunt, made a mark on me. If I’d been home alone at the time I’d probably be screaming “I’M A DAMN SHOCKTROOPER!” whenever Rosie (who destroyed both tanks because she’s a damn shocktrooper) made a move. But my absolute favorite scene in terms of emotional weight was the death of the Imperial soldier and the subsequent “We all have families” scene.

LISTS!

Favorite Characters

1. Cherry Stijnen (lololol I dunno why)
2. Ramona Linton (Her voice is infectious)
3. Largo Potter (YASAI BANZAI!)
4. Rosie (I’M A DAMN SHOCKTROOPER WITH SOME GOOD DEVELOPMENT)
5. Edy Nelson (-desu wa~)
6. Jann Walker (I’LL TEACH YOU THE JOYS OF MEN)
7. Selvaria Bles (Hello, I’m another albino)
8. Welkin Gunther (Anime Welkin is a lot of fun)
9. Maximilian (More like Schneizel am I right?)
10. Juno Coren (Poor girl)

Favorite Methods of Enemy Disposal (Infantry)

1. Marina Headshot
2. Grenade Launchers
3. Anti-Armor Round Bashing
4. Mortars
5. Trooper Gunning
6. Trooper Flamethrowing
7. 4 Scout Defense
8. Tank Defense
9. Mortar Support
10. Sneaking

Favorite Methods of Enemy Disposal (Armor)

1. Rosie Finish
2. Edelweiss Sniping
3. Largo Potshotter
4. Rosie Spamming
5. Largo Spamming

That’s that.

Time Travelers have Orange Hair

Okay, so I really only have two instances; Tokikake’s Chiaki and Suzumiya’s Mikuru. It’s a similar shade of orange too. Is there some myth in Japan about time travelers with orange hair? Ponyo has orange hair too.

There’s also something about snipers in giant robots (I’ll touch on sniper robots later): Lockon Stratos, Kurz Weber, and Mikhail Blanc are all shockingly similar. They are all…

LIST TIME.

1. Snipers
2. Ungodly snipers
3. Pilots of giant robots
4. Elite pilots of giant robots
5. Elite pilots of giant robots tooled for sniping
6. Employed by a special organization outside of a predominant military
7. Able to attract women pretty easily
8. The closest male ally to the main character
9. Pretty calm and collected
10. Orphans
11. Dead

And Lockon and Kurz share a voice actor, and Mikhail’s voiced Tieria.

And what the fuck is with characters named Kurosawa? Granted, I’ve only come across Onani Master Kurosawa (BLURG I STILL FEEL ANGER AND PATHOS) and Saikyou Densetsu Kurosawa (PAAAAAAAAAATHOOOOOOOOS). LIST.

1. They’re named Kurosawa
2. They’re pretty lonely at first
3. They introspect hard
4. They’re misunderstood!
5. Nobody really likes them
6. They eventually start trying hard to get people to like them
7. They misunderstand people

Okay so a list was a bad idea, these series are a little deeper than a superficial list of sniper similarities. I like OM Kurosawa a lot, but I could probably never read it again because Takigawa Magister made me cry tears of anger and vengeance. Not really, but it was 3am and I had to stifle a shout. DEAR GOD WHY I’MNAMINGMYDAUGHTERAFTERYOU. SD Kurosawa, though the art irks me a lot and everyone freaking cries all the god damn time, I would read again just to feel the pathos story of Kurosawa and Tarou. Dear god I felt it. When he hit the middle school fight I sort of lost that feeling, but I liked his “enlightenment.”

While I’m on manga (I do not want to wrack my brain for more similarities between manga characters), Watashi ni xx Shinasai! made me smile like no other. Like fuck, a god damn tingling under my womanly collar bones was going on for about 14 chapters and the one-shot embedded in there. GRAAGHAERG RIEAGHAKLDJ F. I don’t even remember their names anymore. Okay yea I do. Yukina is such a fucking bitch, but she is so cool. Akira is really creepy, but he is so cool (when he’s not acting like a fucking Nodoka-class pussy), Shigure (who I’m shipping the hell out of [did I really just say that?]) will probably die a painful death because of karma but that’s okay because he’s cool too, in a Yukina is a bitch kind of way. That’s enough of that.

MAGIC THE GATHERING.

Hells yes baby, I got started two months ago, and now it’s eating my life. Sort of. Here’s the deck I’m running now. It’s an Esper deck built around the Master Transmuter that I swear to god I came up with before reading any MtG articles on it online. Well, my friend helped.

• 3x Master Transmuter (AND THEY MAKE WONDERFUL SPHINX BABIES)
• 4x Etherium Sculptors
• 3x Sanctum Gargoyles
• 2x Parasitic Strix (Fucking Strix drop you to death)
• 2x Ethersworn Canonist (lulzy bitch)
• 2x Glassdust Hulk
• 2x Ethersworn Shieldmage (useless because I have Muters)
• 1x Filigree Angel
• 1x Sphinx Summoner (I should get more)
• 1x Lodestone Golem (+Etherium Canonist=kick in the face)
• 1x Inkwell Leviathan (Control Deck Rapist)
• 1x Leonin Abundas (lololololololol)
• 1x Memnarch (+Leonin Abundas=You can’t do shit)
• 1x Sphinx of the Steel Wind
• 1x Metallurgeon (also kind of useless)
• 1x Sphinx Sovereign (lololololololx2)
• 1x Arsenal Thresher (needs to freaking fly)
• 1x Sharuum the Hegemon
• ——Creatures [29]
• 1x Azorius Signet (It gets more and more annoying the more I use it, but Muting it is fun)
• 1x Dimir Signet (“”)
• 1x Lightning Greaves (too much fun)
• 1x Unbender Tine
• 1x Time Sieve (+…)
• 1x Open the Vaults (I should get a backup)
• 2x Fieldmist Borderpost
• 1x Mistvein Borderpost
• 2x Oblivion Ring (wait till I get Tidehollow Sculler)
• 2x Esper Charm
• 1x Scourglass (lol)
• ——Other stuff [14]
• 1x Creeping Tarpit (I have no use for its unblockability except when I’m creature screwed)
• 1x Halimar Depths
• 3x Arcane Sanctum
• 4x Swamp
• 5x Island
• 4x Plains
• ——Lands [18]

So I’m one over 60. It’s not the finished product I wanted, but it’s probably better off this way. The problems are; it relies on creatures a lot, so a Day of Judgement after I Open the Vaults would be game for me; if I can’t get a Muter out I’ll be trudging along; Scourglass is the only kill card I have, and its limited; Memnarch’s abilities cost a lot, and they cost blue which means I’d have to forgo Muting for a turn; Borderposts and Signets are annoying to use sometimes; ungodly numerous and reliant on the heart of the cards.

But otherwise the combos I can rip out are alright, I guess. You could call me some timmy-johnny if we were to use those terms godihatethoseterms. Okay I admit Sphinx of the Steel Winds I could probably do without and is just there to intimidate the shit out of people when I drop him for U, and then when I mute him back after Unbender Tining a Muter. Also, 4 Master Transmuters + Two Etherium Sculptors + Extra blue mana + Parasitic Strixes= I will butt rape you in two turns. Also, throw a few Sanctum Gargoyles into my hand so I can use the Strixes to block AND THEN BRING THEM BACK (AND THEN MUTE THE GARGOYLES BACK FOR MORE FUN). Memnarch and Leonin Abundas pretty much means I’ve shrouded my field, and Memnarch alone can be pretty devastating, especially when I’m bouncing your creatures back to your hand (after two turns. <<). Glassdust Hulks (and Glaze Fiend, if I ever get some) commit adultery with Strix dropping and Muters by bulking the shit up and becoming unblockable (And Leonin Abundas pretty much means that they can’t be touched, or Lightning Greaves for great dropping justice). Lodestone Golem, let me talk about him for a second; He costs 4 for a 5/3 (what) and his ability, “Nonartifact spells cost 1 more to play,” when combined with maybe ANOTHER LODESTONE and an Ethersworn Canonst (players can only play 1 nonartifact spell per turn) means I’ve locked the opponent up. Sure, that means that Open the Vaults and Leonin Abundas cost more now… But I could just mute the Lodestone back and forth. Oh, and Time Sieve and Open the Vaults is pretty standard, I guess. Sacrifice five artifacts (in addition to all the ones I didn’t bring back with Gargoyles/Sharuum) for an extra turn, bring EVERYTHING BACK and lay down some hurt. After, of course, wiping the field with Scourglass. But if Open the Vaults is countered I’m fucked. Arsenal Thresher + the deck’s disgusting tendency (once it gets started) to hold cards in my hand thanks to the Muter (which I am now calling Arsenal Stocking) equals potential 10/10 creature. Let’s give it shroud+haste.

There’s a lot more I could be doing. But eh. Oh, and call in Filigree Angel after I’ve dropped a few Strixes and beefed up some Threshers and Glassdusts and when I have lodestones and Canonists lying around. And then do it again.

I’m also working on a control-mill deck, an aggro-flying deck (for sustainability in an increasingly eco-friendly world! SCORCH THE FUCKING EARTH WITH FIRE, AKROMA), another control deck that’s a more standard UW but with more creatures, and a one-color+colorless artifact deck made from the dredges of the Archenemy set that gave me my third Muter. Basically I’m a causal player who goes for some novelty when making decks. What– Oh, I should go U-Colorless and get Tezzeret. FOR NINE DOLLARS.

I’m done, I’ll talk nerd with you guys later.

A post for the sake of posting

Huh, this rather silly. I feel like writing a post, but I haven’t done anything post-worthy recently. Not that anything I ever do is post worthy. Let’s talk about manga I probably otherwise won’t normally talk about ie. not Kimi no Iru Machi, Bakuman, Candy Boy etc.

Usagi Drop

A cute manga, but by no means the current OH SHIT AWESOMEEEEE manga of the day. I just got to the time skip, and I must say, subtly tsundere Rin is subtly tsundere. Then again, she’s also too cool, too skilled, and too smart, isn’t she? But she’s a tsundere. Not to mention in for some incest doujin. I don’t like Kouki. I’ve never liked Kouki. I somehow knew he would turn out like this… Where’s his mother? Daikichi needs some lovin’ (fromrin). All in all, I liked the manga better when Rin was a kid; she was a lot cuter.

Mahou Sensei Negima

Um yea. Akamatsu is one of the first authors I read, with Love Hina. I liked Love Hina, and MSN looked interesting, so I gave it a try. The thing is, I started MSN at volume 8, when I bought in an airport on a trip to the Bahamas. I’ve never taken the time to go back to the beginning, and sort of started a little while after volume 8. By beginning, I mean very beginning; I’ve never read any of the first volume, and for some reason decided to buy 2 before 10 and 11, and then jumped back down to 4, and finally, 9. I’ve had an eccentric reading pattern throughout this entire series, but it really doesn’t take a lot to know what’s going on so that’s A-okay. I’ve totally forgotten the span of time, though, so it seems like a lot longer than it probably has been. I should go back to volume 8 and start reading from there through the tournament. There’s a terribly different feel to volume 8 than the rest of the series. It may probably be because it’s the end of a collection of random episodes, as I’m seeing it, and the beginning of a larger, more cohesive narrative (the festival into the tournament, which is a little more episodic, into Chao into finding Nagi in the magic world etc etc). Anyways, good stuff, good stuff.

Also, I was browsing Touhou doujin, and someone made a comment about Chi– Hong Meirin and Mulan’s “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.” I was inspired to rewrite it for Meiling. And then everything else.

I’ll Make a Guard Out of You (v1)

Let’s get down to business
to protect the gate!
Did they send me Nineball
when I asked for rice?!
It’s the saddest day I’ve ever stood
and you can bet, before I’m through
Sakuya, she’ll wake me with some knives.

Tranquil as a forest,
but on fire without.
Once I slip to dreamland
she is sure to shout!
I’m a spineless, pale
and starving guard
and I haven’t got a clue
as to why I never
get a break!!!!!

I’m never gonna catch my breath
Please stop calling me China!
Boy was I a fool for letting black-white gooooo
Milady’s got me scared to death!
Hope she doesn’t spear right through me!
Now I really wish I had something to eat!

(Hong Meiling!)
I must be swift as a mountain tengu
(Hong Meiling!)
With all the strength of a drunk oni
(Hong Meiling!)
With all the force of a thrifty miko
and mysterious as the dark side of Aliiiiiiice!!!

Bullets racing towards me
as I lose again.
Heed my hopeless pleading
and I might survive!
I’m unsuited for this danmaku
so I’ll pack up, go home, I’m through.
Too bad I’ll cannot leave
I’m a foooool!!!!

(Hong Meiling!)
I must be smart like the undead doctor
(Hong Meiling!)
With all the strength of the black-white witch
(Hong Meiling!)
I’ve got the gut of that glutton ghost
Too bad that I’m kept on
leftovers each day!!!!

(HONG MEILING!)
I must persist like that spring time fairy
(HONG MEILING!)
With all the might of that gap youkai
(HONG MEILING!)
I’ll get a big meal when I defeat you
So “Yukkuri Shiteitte Ne” JAAAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Fly Me to the Moon

Fly me to the moon
and dodge some danmaku with me
Let me see what spring is like
upon the lunar sea.
In other words
bring some snacks.
In other words
Youmu feed me.

Fill my pocketbook
and let me take a little break!
These are all I long for
and then maybe some pension
In other words
I’m on strike.
In other words
feed yourself.

I have no life… at all.

I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately.

Anime movies and the like, obviously. Summer Wars, Millenium Actress, Our War Game, Evangelion 2.0, a whole slew of Pokemon movies, with sights set on The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, the rest of the Pokemon movies, and some Ghibli films that I watched when I was 5. As for non-anime movies, I plan on hitting Throne of Blood and Densha Otoko soon.

Summer Wars! Oh Summer Wars! How greatly you deserved whatever award it was (forgive my irreverence!). Directed by Mamoru Hosoda, who also directed Our War Game; in fact, I noticed a number of parallels between OWG and SW. I’ll start with those. At one point in Summer Wars, it’s mentioned that the OZ account of the President of the United States (Lol Obama’s Blackberry) could be hacked by Love Machine to fire a nuke. Wait, that’s what Diaboromon did (and thankfully the world was saved by a Taiwanese boy in middle school who hacked the fucking Pentagon– I was accused of being racist for calling this irrational). I don’t know if it’s meant to be a reference back, but considering the general storyline of the two movies is the same, saving the world from an autonomous digital threat, I consider it more than likely.

Really, I liked the movie so much I delayed writing my essay and watched it again. It turned out to be one of those things I would later severely regret, but hey, I got along fine today. And then, the next day, I delayed my essay again to read the manga, which is different, but still good. The manga focuses more on developing Natsuki and Kenji’s relationship, which I felt was a bit lacking in Summer Wars, but that’s just because I’m a sucker for happy romances like that. That being said, I actually hate romance series, but the occasional romance like this is always a nice feeling. Kind of like when Haruka called Imber her boyfriend. I’m a teenage girl, my name is Jen, and I have a flat chest, deep voice, and manly lack of fashion sense. It would explain a lot. But seriously, my main beef with the manga is that the art style, pretty and emulation worthy (I really want to draw like that) as it may be, seems to target older audiences. There’s no problem with that at all, and I kind of like having it reserved for people like me (lol I’m kidding), but Summer Wars was intended to be for the family, and thus its theme of a united family fighting together. The art style in the movie reflects this, being much more simple and approachable than a nuanced and detailed manga art style. Though, you could accuse the animation of being too simple and at times overlooked; Natsuki, while on the train, at one point looks like she’s pouring her tea on herself because the animators forgot a bottle of tea has liquids in it. But seriously. Grandma Sakae in the manga is pretty cool. That’s like, granny, after saving Japan, you get to make Kenji man up and go after your great granddaughter with a card game for MEN. I’m totally out of it.

Speaking of Natsuki, she’s one of my favorite characters, even though she totally shafts Kenji by flirting with Wabisuke after getting his hopes up by asking him to pretend to be her fiance. Actually, I think by pretending to be her fiance Kenji was pretty much sealed, but that’s okay because it’s all happy in the end. Okay, so she turns out to be less substantial than Kazuma plotwise; she serves as my favorite character’s, Kenji’s, motivation, something which is more explored in the manga since we can actually see Kenji’s thoughts. Seriously, Kenji is my hero. But back to Natsuki, she’s a happy kid who is coming of age as much as Kenji and Kazuma are, growing out of her lovestruck childhood and into a mature woman who can take responsibility for more than herself and her own desires. Her scenes are usually the ones that made me cry or smile the most. When the old ladies find out Natsuki basically asked Kenji to pretend to be Wabisuke (ouchlol)? IT’S SO CUTE, and lo, serves as a mark of her childishness. When Kenji gropes Natsuki’s finger because he thinks it’s enough? IT’S SO CUTE, and a little aggravating. Kenji, man the fuck up, you got a woman to protect, granny Sakae told you to do it. Also, it’s the implicit differentiation of Kenji’s manliness. The end, when Kenji is lorded over by that strange whore aunt and Shouta goes on being a bitch (culminating with Natsuki’s killer kiss)? IT’S SO CUTE, and hey, a hell of a lot more satisfying than Xenoglossia’s ending. So yea, Natsuki’s scenes are cute. Oh, and not to mention her voice; Nanami Sakuraba, in my opinion, does a good job and making a teenage girl’s voice, and even though it sounds like she messes up a few times, it makes the movie feel natural. Ryunosuke Kamiki’s Kenji voice is also pretty good.

Next is Kazuma. The first time around, I was unsure of Kazuma’s gender. First of all, he sounds too girly. Second of all, he’s slim and ambiguous. Third of all, God knows what girls do nowadays. While I acknowledge the fact that he’s a boy, Mitsuki Tanimura’s voice is too high. And cute. This movie is too damn cute. I love it. I think that’s all I really had to say on Kazuma, really.

I read a few reviews some other internet dwellers wrote on Summer Wars, and they all feel the movie was good but not great. They all watched The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, while I delayed that (and my essay) and read the manga, which I guess got me thinking a little more than I usually do about this stuff, especially since, as I mention above, it gave me so much more to work with. Basically, we should make an OVA with Madhouse’s charmingly simple animation and Iqura Sugimoto’s choice to look into Kenji’s head and I think we might have something. Another complaint was that OZ was for the most part immaterial and insignificant. True, Granny Sakae could have easily shown off her importance as the family pillar without a crisis like OZ, and perhaps my reasoning is weak and OZ really is cliched (I mean, look at iRobot and Our War Game, we’ve seen it before), but OZ is a modern threat against an ancient Japanese clan with a propensity to challenge the impossible. What better to challenge this close knit, traditional family with what’s being accused of destroying human interpersonal relationships, the internet? What better to display Jinnouchi resilience by pitting twenty against 400 million? I’ll admit, I thought little of the OZ scenes too; they kind of seemed out of place, both in animation style and general feeling. I’m out of it, I can’t come up with a good argument.

But yea, Summer Wars is a movie I’ll definitely watch again, buy the DVD for, and then collect as much merchandise as I possibly can for, since it’s just one movie. That’s what I hate about movies. Whatever. Well, when I write you all saying how I skipped a mad crazy party that got broken up by the cops just to watch Summer Wars again, feel free to call me a loser.

Sven and Selene survived.

Yes they did. Cheers! No one dies like they’re supposed to. Haruka should’ve died, but Azusa, Chihaya, and all the iDols died, so that’s okay. Miki was aborted. Arguably, Setsuna F. Seiei could’ve died. Lockon Stratos (the Niel) should’ve died again to create a meme about Lockon(s) sucking ass at piloting a robot designated for sniping. Kurz Weber supposedly died and he was the sniper pilot. Mu La Flaga should’ve died, but he came back as a weird gay mask man because Sunrise is a pussy when it comes to definitively killing someone, and they needed a new mask man. Ozma should’ve died (in the same manner as Mu), but he didn’t, because pineapple cake saved his life; Michael died though, so pathos points for him and Klan Klang (great name). NUNALLY SHOULD’VE DIED. It would’ve made R2 if Nunally died– think of the effect it would have on LeLouch’s character!– but Code Geass was done by Sunrise so it’s expected (but Sayoko’s okay, she can survive). Everyone in Bokurano died. Rei 2 died. Everyone and their dogs died in Fafner Left of Right (and I cried when the dog died).

It’s not like I think everyone should die in anime, and I don’t go around killing people off in my head, real or fictional. Quite frankly, my judgment on some of these offings is bad. Anyways, my point is I don’t think everyone should have died.

OH NONOWA! The way Choucho BPM is really cute and orgasmic.

Oh, Chiyoko in Millennium Actress died, I think. Ryoji Kaji (the artist) died in that movie too, for great pathos. Yes, I watched Millennium Actress last night this morning about two weeks before Summer Wars. “Excuse me while I shamelessly pick apart this wonderful movie in the name of shitty literary comparison” is what I should say. But I won’t.

But seriously, when people die in anime, I dunno whether to cry or say “Oh shit!” Depends on how they die. When Sakae died in Summer Wars I cried, and when I watched it again I teared up (and cried later, but tears of happiness). When the dog died in Left of Right I cried. When Daisuke died in Bokurano, I bawled shit. That sounds nasty, but I cried. When it’s just a battle anime, with no underlying or overarching claim to emotional turmoil, I say Oh Shit! When the latter is present I cry, or I try to cry. I didn’t cry at Millennium Actress, because I was dumb and spoiled the ending for myself. I’m just a huge crybaby, soz. I used to cry at the end of movies a lot, when I was a kid. Lol, I know, but hey, I guess I’m just a sucker for really corny things.

Three posts in a day. That clears up my queue. It’s annoying, having to edit posts for continuity issues.

Xenoglossia

Xenoglossia is Evangelion

This, at this point, has obviously been picked on, but for my own records I decided to write this down. Megavideos is a bitch and won’t let me finish the series in a god-blessed long weekend. Oh well, I was busy with COD anyways. Basically, Idolmaster Xenoglossia, which in itself isn’t a good series but isn’t a bad series, is an eerie copy of Eva. You have depressed children, Shinji Syndrome (in at least every character), the Captain (who is cool), Misato/Azusa, and the friend on the outside. I mean, even the basic set up of the bridge bunnies is similar; two girls one guy in Xenoglossia vs two guys one girl in Eva. Granted, Yukiho breaks the balance in Xenoglossia, but that’s not all. Yes, I know that a lot of series tried to copy Eva after its huge success, but Xenoglossia at times does it too well.

First are the iDols, basically created shortly after a major disaster, namely, the Lost Artemis incident where the moon was blown up and meteors crashed down on the Earth. Eva, as we all know, has Second Impact, which ravaged the Earth from space and instigated the invention of the Evangelion, born directly of Adam’s shape. The iDols are also of extraterrestrial design, and though the origin is fundamentally different, the basic concept is the same. Also, while we still have Second Impact/Lost Artemis in our heads, both series feature extended shots of a part of Japan that’s underwater.

Back to the iDols, which are also housed under the city, they are also sentient (not if you’re Makoto) giant robots capable of feeling and personality. Where the iDols differ is that Imber is a gigantic pervert and enjoys looking at Haruka. Haruka, disturbingly enough, reciprocates these feelings. Mechaphilia is weird guys. While Evas are the souls of mothers housed into a plug, iDols are children growing up. Both are capable of bursts of power well beyond what was reasonably understood, both are capable of synchronizing and rejecting pilots, and both are subject to harmonics tests.

The Mondenkind organization, altProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

ugh it should be more reasonable Japan based due to Japan’s inability to shoot missiles at asteroids (which makes absolutely no sense at all, but hey I respect international policy), has branches in America and Europe. Thinking on it now, it would be more reasonable to spread the fate of mankind across the globe and have support in America and Europe, thus reaching out to a greater workforce and allowing for more data to flow in. NERV is similar, having branches in the same places, etc etc. Within the operations sector you have a captain (Joeseph in the IXG corner, Gendou in the NGE corner), a vice captain (snarky asshole Saku in IXG, Fuyutsuki in NGE), an operations commander (Azusa in IXG, Misato in NGE; both have big boobs), and bridge bunnies (Sorewa, Naraba, and Naze in IXG; Maya, meganeto, and closet fag in NGE). THE MAIN MAINTENANCE CHARACTERS ARE BOTH NAMED RITSUKO. But IXG Ritsuko was most likely named before Xenoglossia without Xenoglossia in mind, so no points.

Haruka, Iori, Makoto, and arguably Chihaya are all Shinji. Haruka less so than Iori, Makoto and arguably Chihaya because she’s such a ditz and no so much depressed. I forgot Yukiho, but her Shinji Syndrome only lasted about an episode anyways. But yandere Makoto wins the prize for not getting enough praise from a higher figure and absolutely bawling about it when she does get affection from Azusa, who is as much a bitch as Iori and Makoto. And then, being happy, MAKOTO GETS SHOT DOWN and leaves Mondenkind. That was a slap to the face of proportions so amazing we were all expecting it but at the same time not really. Seriously, I think Ami was half-right; iDols make you bitchy, not sad. And speaking of Iori, why couldn’t Odeko Sunshine be voiced by KugiRie like she was in the game? It makes tsundere that much more believable.

Now the scenarios is what gets me here. One of the last things I watched in Xenoglossia is the attempt to retrieve

I just watched the last episode of Xenoglossia, and I came out of it asserting that Xenoglossia was more good than bad, despite the obvious copies. I can honestly say I enjoyed it for someone who otherwise had very minimal exposure to IdolM@ster, because when you look at it with a little bit of research, the characters don’t rely too hard upon their in-game personalities, and even then it wouldn’t be too much of an issue.

All in all, it was a decent series. I realize that a lot of people might find it forgettable (I’ll forget about it, but when I remember it I’ll have some fond memories, at least) and average at best, but when you overthink shit like I do everything begins to grow on you. Though, it was a huge effort to actually finish that last episode when I splurged. There is one complaint I will put down as unforgiveable, one that I thought of and realized was the ultimate frustration for me; what happened to everyone else after Imber saves the world? Haruka and Yayoi continue being idols, but what about Iori, who fought to have Nebula accept her after so long simply to watch him sacrifice himself not even a month later? Or the Futami twins, what happened with them? Yukiho, who never really had closure; the rest of Mondenkind, now out of work; Saku (not that I really care)? My biggest question has to be of the character I was most ambivalent about; Makoto, who spent her whole life with the now operationally defunct Mondenkind piloting the now nonexistent iDols, what will she do now, now that Azusa’s dead? LET US WRITE FANFICTION LETTERS OF COMPLAINT.

ARBITRARY LIST TIME. NOW.

Favorite Idolmaster Idols (Wait a few weeks for my obsession to fade, but it’s a little sickening)
1. Amami Haruka (“He’s my boyfriend,” despite dangerous claims of mechaphilia, turned IXG into a love story for me)
2. Miura Azusa (I honestly don’t know why.)
3. Kisaragi Chihaya (AOIIIII TORIIIIII, don’t even talk to me about Xenoglossia Chihaya’s strange fringe thing)
4. Takatsuki Yayoi (The Xenoglossia one; “Yoyoyoyo”)
5. Hagiwara Yukiho (Xenoglossia one’s dangerously narcoleptic to a comedic extent.)

Can I ask why Miki was the only idol who didn’t show up? Interesting, non?

I wrote this two weeks ago. Now I’m suitably equipped to talk about the differences between Xenoglossia and The iDOLM@STER. Sort of. Not really. I’m going off the iMas wiki here, and what I can see.

Amami Haruka: iM@s Haruka is very happy, and her hair is not as cool as Xenoglossia Haruka’s. Xenoglossia Haruka is very sad and suffers from Shinji Syndrome: Self-Confidence. Xenoglossia Haruka is a little delusional at times, though, and we see it most when Yukiho leaves to go become Chihaya’s *** *****; she also still suffers from that self-confidence issue, which makes her, to say the least, an interesting character that had potential come the idol arc.

Minase Iori: She is not a crazy loli in Xenoglossia; in fact, comparing Xenoglossia Iori to iM@s Iori will probably be the biggest. Hair color, body size, personality, general physical appearance, outlook on life; Iori’s character changed almost completely. She retains an inferiority complex, but gets over it when she finally is given clearance to make love to Nebula. Xenoglossia Iori is one of my favorite characters; she’s blunt but tsundere, and she deals with touchy situations in a way that’s both bold and honest. She isn’t a hypocrite, and deals with her own problems just as harshly as she does with Haruka’s. I think. Maybe? iM@s Iori, on the other hand, seems like token Rie Kugimiya tsundere loli character who looks cute. Serious guys, Xenoglossia Iori looks like a goblin sometimes, especially since she’s always angry. iDols have already made her bitchy. Shinji Syndrome: Rejection, by the way. By Nebula and all, but she becomes the Asuka of the series, kicking major ******* *** in the form of too many god damn Epimetheuses.

Kikuchi Makoto: A total personality flip. I wasn’t really much of a fan of Xenoglossia Makoto until her Shinji Syndrome: Superior Acceptance kicks in. Then I was all “d’awwwwwww yerstillabitch.” But then she got hit by termination and I sort of sympathized with her; having Azusa do it was simply too harsh, since Xenoglossia Azusa is a bitch. On that note, iM@s Azusa would’ve just forgotten. iM@s Makoto is a happy boy-girl, so I see, and I like that, but Hiems is a BAMF with metal-plate boobies and unlimited ammo.

Miura Azusa: The first time iM@s has prevailed over Xenoglossia, soz. iM@s Azusa is just too cute! And serious Azusa is too serious; after introducing Haruka to Mondenkind she immediately stuck a rod up her ass and kept it there. And then they had Xenoglossia Azusa with that old scientist guy. Mechaphilia is bad, but somehow the only actual human romance repulsed me. Well, only human romance besides Ritsuko’s affection for Yayoi’s penguin boobies.

Takatsuki Yayoi: Yoyoyoyo~ I like Xenoglossia Yayoi; she’s older, cooler, not a strange glutton loli, and not a 13 year old idol. Sorry if you like that. I don’t have much more to say, really, since she’s a minor character who only ever shows up while wearing a costume. But Xenoglossia Yayoi was one of my favorite characters.

Hagiwara Yukiho: Had potential to succeed in Xenoglossia, but fell amazingly short. She had the best potential for a mental breakdown, characterization, strengthening, etc etc etc. Well, Chihaya got the break down, but okay. Really, for some reason Yukiho doesn’t appeal to me as a character in either version, but Xenoglossia more than iM@s because I’m biased like that, but both versions have a tick that I really like. Xenoglossia Yukiho has violent narcolepsy; yea, you tell that loud and bitchy Iori to shut the hell up with that steak, Sleepy-chan. iM@s Yukiho has a propensity to be really moe by claiming she’ll dig holes. HNNNNNNG.

Akizuki Ritsuko: I have nothing to say here really, I’m least familiar with Ritsuko overall.

Futami Ami/Mami: Ami was simply uninteresting in Xenoglossia; she was accused of being a Sue, and god dammit, maybe she was after all. She was too quiet and boring. Though, when she was hit by ZA WARUDO at the slaughter of the technicians (one of the most chilling scenes, it marked a step up in the pace of the series), I was wholly intrigued by what would happen to her; nothing. Mami, on the other hand, held more points simply because she could be seen as a personification of the iDols; children who know what’s up but at the same time not really. Okay, not really. Also, Mami’s voice actress sounded a lot cooler than Ami’s. I guess I was just fed up with Ami and was glad that Mami wasn’t just like her. iM@s Futamis win because Shimoda Asami does a great job with them. Listen to Danketsu, towards the end the Futami twins come on. That voice is so good, and that’s why it’s also Len/Rin’s. I really like Rin’s voice.

Kisaragi Chihaya: That hair fringe on Xenoglossia Chihaya’s head really disturbed me for some reason, and for an extremely long time I found myself staring at that thing. Chihaya, though, I thought had the best dramatic twist to her, besides Makoto’s slap to the face. She fucking sleeps naked with Imber. She goes crazy and alienates Yukiho, who devoted her life to not having a friend like Haruka and becoming Chihaya’s hand-fetish slave. She’s the tragic, misled villain who dies for the wrong reason in the end. Chihaya, hair fringe and super pads aside, was probably my favorite character to hate simply because she goes ******* **sane. Mechaphilia in the bad sense.

Hoshii Miki: Wait, shit, she didn’t exist. With some thought, you could probably say R.I.F.F.A. was the closest we got to Miki. They both are blond, young, speak in the third person, fawn over whomever is managing them, and are pretty much carefree. Except R.I.F.F.A. is hard to type, a ******* *xe murderer, and, as Karasu puts it nicely, we want to chop her legs off.

Naraba Daido: was voiced by Daisuke Ono, making him somewhat equivalent to Hosaka but not really because Hosaka is his grandfather. And Koizumi is his grandmother. Eeeew, incest. But seriously, he gets my vote for being Producer.

Joeseph Shingetsu: is awesome.

What is an LCL fetish?

Seriously, 90% of my pageviews come from people wondering what an LCL fetish is. My turn-ons are maids, red glasses (which I found released by GAINAX in Illustrous style), and etc etc, by the way.

An LCL fetish is a sexual affinity for being submerged in the fictional fluid LCL (Link Connect Fluid as described by the manga, but apparently not so by the Red Cross Book), which is a required but dangerous part of piloting the gargantuan EVA units. It gives off the smell of blood, apparently, and is likened to primordial soup, the stuff from which the first life on Earth theoretically sprang. Through it, as the manga anagram suggests, the pilots connect with the EVA by means of something like electromagnetic pulse (I might be thinking of something else) after the entry plug is filled up with it. It’s notably absent in several situations, and is supposedly used to bathe the EVAs in storage. The pilots can breathe through it, see through it, and it seems to not be made of water, otherwise prolonged exposure would perhaps break down the internal cockpit systems by way of gradual corrosion. It does, however, corrode in some sense demonstrated by Shinji’s sudden “evaporation” at the hands of a fully activated EVA-01, and thus represents the danger part. I would think that the life support system the EVAs utilize works through some application of LCL. Mari Illustrious Makinami seems to enjoy the smell of LCL (blood), and is able to distinguish Shinji from the rest due to his constant dousing. I guess that just means she’s constantly horny while piloting.

I thought I’d just address that. Here’s to the shortest post in this blog’s history.

Lol Kouji Seo and delinquents and Pervert Kanade

No, I’m not even going to bother with that question. It’s a dumb question, of course there are.

But for seriously, Yandere Kanojo and Onidere. I am at a loss as to which is better, so to organize my thoughts about this I will subject whomever has the misfortune of clicking links to this page to comparisons on different completely random categories. And the usual.

Art:
Hands down the art in Onidere is better, though sometimes the character designs scare me (ie. President). Yandere’s art is rough, to say the least, and it’s all very simple compared to Onidere. Onidere has a style befitting the genre: the character designs are wacky and cute, and the artist’s style matches that. Meanwhile I never know what to make of Yandere’s art, but that’s okay, Manabu’s eyes can continue to creep people out.

Characters (Minor):
THIS IS WHERE THE CONTEST STARTS. Just kidding. That was art. But seriously, I’m going to pit Hijiri Yoshimoto against Saki Nijinose right now. RIGHT NOW. Hijiri has that super-mellow way of dealing with things that aren’t Reina; she panics is a cute way. I LIKE HER A LOT. I dunno, I can’t really say much other than the fact that she’s probably subtly bipolar and her pigtails are cute. VS. Saki Nijinose, that super-tsundere exhibitor of super ZR (minus sexy bulge) who worries about her super thighs even though she consistently flaunts them with super short skirts and eats super amounts of super chocolate! She has short hair, shaped like an octopus! She has a loli blouse under her uniform! She has zettai ryouiki mode on constantly! She has the ability to never flash her panties even though she only wears short skirts! She has OCD and anger management issues! She has to work out more, then maybe her thighs would be gone and she could lift things! I love her! Winner is Saki on account of more material and exposure. (Also note: an idea involving Pokemon, shorts, and heavy)

Characters (Major):
Were Manabu not somehow a tsukkomi (with his passive character, he really shouldn’t be a tsukkomi, but there needs to be someone around), he would probably be uninteresting. He’s a boring, lanky glasses character with creepy eyes who otherwise fits the “background character B” role and might be a recurring character otherwise. Though, his type of cool and passive-aggressive character don’t fit a “BCB” role, so he’s gray ground. Reina, on the other hand, is dynamic and lacks sense in a Sousuke Sagara kind of way. Though, in terms of the “Yankee Delinquent” role, she seems more “lovestruck girl” than “ANGER DELINQUENT,” which is a problem that Saya perhaps suffers more from, though in Saya’s case it’s counteracted by her supernaturally devilish properties. Which brings me to another point; Onidere is beyond human, and Yandere is human. Keep that in mind and mull on it. Tadashi is also pretty boring, but he has GUTS and dramatic irony on his side. Btw, Angie-Saya is pretty cute.

Overall (already?):
Okay, so I missed out on “Content” and “Story.” They’re both comedies, so there’s not really a story to speak of. Both, I realize, seem to conveniently forget they are secretly dating sometimes, but Momo in Onidere is just as conveniently there to prevent bad things from happening. Because Yandere has no ninja, they just make do with conveniently forgetting and having Reina fantasize about shit, and having Mayami being a total distraction. Also, whoever is doing the translations now, I like Mayami’s “like, totally.” Keep it. Onidere wins, kids, but I still get more excited to see Yandere Kanojo because there are so few chapters.

QED NEXT

Kimi no Iru Machi. Again. Again, as with every week, Seo Kouji manages to mindfuck and enRAGE EVERYONE. And this time, he does it at least TWICE. CAPS BITCH. I’m going to spoil the shit out of you poor passerby who don’t even read this thing. So, my speculation is that Eba is kidnapped and blackmailed, and manly Haruto is going to go Super Saiyan and beat the shit out of some Tokyo kids. Seriously, who, when they read that letter, didn’t want to rip something in two and scream like they were the one being dumped? Okay, I guess that was just me. I got silently dumped today, but nothing ever started, which makes me even more of a loser than I was before. Besides, I was silently dumped like, last week. Haruto and I are shockingly and depressingly similar, but I won’t go into that because the more I think about it the more I think I’ll end up being a deranged fuck like him.

But seriously, Kouji Seo is some kind of master manipulator. First he makes us kind of like both Eba and Kanzaki, then he makes us hate them both alternatively for a really long ass time. We all thought Eba was a bitch for ignoring Haruto, then we thought Kanzaki was a bitch and she sort of disappeared as Haruto and Eba did their thing with that cute glasses girl who was also pretty bitchy, oh her name is Kikukawa. Then Kanzaki comes back lookin’ good and they meet Eba who reasonably bitches out. Kanzaki gets back the spotlight and we all like her yay while Eba starts to look like a major bitch and then the LETTER COMES OUT and we all cry “BITCH” for about five minutes before Haruto comes to a massive revolution and gets manlier +2. Look at that face. That is the face of someone who is going to break some city slicker backs with his cooking toned arms and bitchslap some Tokyo kids (Neku) with his greasy spatula. In order to actually break back and jaw, though, he needs to beef up. Fast forward a few years and the child of Eba (Shiki) is violently lusted after by Higashizawa aka Haruto. That was not funny at all. I didn’t even laugh at it.

Anyways, we’re all sad that Kanzaki is going to be the girl next door now, but that’s all right because Kouji Seo is going to make us feel like Eba and Haruto are good for each other. The funny thing is, even though we all know who he’s ending up with (Eba), he makes us feel wishy-washy about it. I like this guy, even if he relies more on OH SHIT NO SHE DIDN’T events and flags than literary emotion slinging. Then again, this is manga.

I wrote that three weeks ago. Now Haruto is doing stupid shit like moving to Tokyo where he’ll finagle his way into some city-slicker’s heart. A gay city-slicker.

NEXT

Candy Boy Manga. Candy Boy. Candy. Manga. Boy.

Kanade isn’t a pervert, but she is secretly. Clearly, the ONA lacked the foresight. I personally like aggressive rapist Kanade, if it didn’t make her so much the same as Sakuya. Yurippe is weird too, but I guess bokes need a tsukkomi. I like it, but Kanade’s character creeps me out, but I like her. She’s just not as cool now.

NEXT

I would tell about my new favorite mangas but I fear for alienating the world. I picked up the new volume of Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. It’s pretty satisfying, reading the chapters that were never released online. If only I could find a place to buy Maria Holic, or rideback. DAMMMMMMIT.

The Tailor Shop of Enbizaka

So, I originally planned on having a short story version of “World is Mine” out a lot earlier, but screw that yo, Tailor Shop is much more interesting to write. Oh, I guess you’ve never seen me write short stories before. Consider this fanfiction if you must, and it probably might as well be plagiarism, but I give credit where credit is due. This half-assed story is based off of Akuno-P/Mothy’s “Enbizaka no Shitateya,” and I changed the setting since I, admittedly, know little about Japanese culture. I wrote half of this groggy in the shower, so hopefully this all works out.

The Tailor Shop of Enbizaka

Tucked away in a little street off the market, tucked once more into a town tucked into the middle of a cloth of green plains, a tailor shop housed busy fingers. Her white fingers, rough and callused from years of shearing, numb to countless needle pricks, danced across the cloth, tickling its undersides as she charmed the thread to her bidding like some poisonous snake.

The Tailor of Enbizaka was a young woman not yet of thirty years of age. She was well-regarded as a skilled seamstress; her suits were refined and distinct, her were dresses elegant and light, her were mends strong and subtle. Her wit was quick but well-minded, and her words charmed even the most demanding and picky of customers into a light conversation. She had a face to match her charm, and would easily be happily wed, sewing up clothes for her unborn child and singing a lullaby with her sweet, sweet voice.

That would be the case.

The Tailor of Enbizaka was unhappy. Her beloved, a handsome young man she had so fervently lusted after for so long, was never home and left her alone at home, without a pregnant belly to sing to, without a child to sew clothes for. It was well known that he often solicited the emotions of other women; she wouldn’t be another victim of this womanizer, would she?

He was so handsome, his smile so bright, reassuring. The way he glanced over at her, his hands as he reached out, his eyes, his face, his lips, his arms, his stride, his chest, his clothes, his sweat, the way his lip quivered, the little twitch in his eyebrow, the inconsistency in his step, the way he blinks, why can’t he be here now?

The shears twitched in her hand, and the blades snapped together with a click. As she squeezed, her pretty face soured into a scowl, such an ugly scowl, and her white palms stained an ugly red. She dropped the shears, red with blood, and began to gnash at her thumbnail, stretching her neck as though she were going to bite her own thumb off. In her tantrum, she happened to look down upon the cloth she soiled, a wedding dress she had just started. The commissioner, a pretty young woman, if not a little odd looking, had hair like blood, the Tailor of Enbizaka remembered, and suddenly, with a shock, she realized the expensive material was completely ruined now. She looked around at the bloody floor with a panic, and at her shears and palm. Hastily, she bandaged up her hand and left the grotesque studio, snuffing the lights and locking the door.

There he was! The Tailor of Enbizaka’s heart bounced with elation, and she watched from afar his smile and the way he called out. But he didn’t call her. Who is that bitch in the red? Why is she laughing so easily with him, when he won’t even come home to look at me? It must be that red coat, such a nice coat.

Why? She asked. Why? Why? Why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhy. WHY.

The Tailor of Enbizaka committed her first murder.

The image of the dress engraved in her mind, she followed the Red Coat Girl when she parted ways with him. She must be some harlot, the Tailor of Enbizaka reasoned, some whore with a life inferior to my own. How far off the Tailor of Enbizaka was, how wrong she was as she picked up those red shears from that ruined wedding dress.

How nice that Coat is, the Tailor of Enbizaka would say, but such a shame that there’s a tear in it. And then she would plunge her shears deep, and mend the stitch in her own life. And quietly, the Tailor of Enbizaka would mend that tear, her fingers running through the familiar feeling of cloth like a child through a soft blanket. The Tailor of Enbizaka smiled serenely as she wiped her tears away.

The next day was no better. There he was again, on the old bridge, his sad face graceful yet heart-wrenching. And there, once again, another woman clutched his arm, her eyes full of a genuine, pure love. From her age the Tailor of Enbizaka guessed this was just some town admirer trying to console a sad man, until his eyes returned the very same love, the love that the Tailor of Enbizaka had never seen before. The Green Scarf Girl reached up and wrapped her green scarf around his neck, and the two watched the river flow, sighing steam into the cold, heavy air.

Why? She asked. Why? Why? Why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhy. WHY.

The Tailor of Enbizaka committed her second murder.

This scarf is so soft, the Tailor of Enbizaka would say, but the end here is fraying. And then she would plunge the shears deep, and paint that scarf red. And quietly, the Tailor of Enbizaka would clean the scarf, and run her skillful needle through the material like good sex, over and over until all was well.  The Tailor of Enbizaka was calmed by this quiet tailoring as she wiped her tears away.

All was not well, however, as the next day the Tailor of Enbizaka stood agape at her beloved with a young girl. She is too young! the Tailor of Enbizaka cried, and she watched as the two picked out a yellow hairpin. It seemed this time her beloved was trying to console this young girl by buying her gifts with a smile, and they laughed with each other as they checked the mirror. He had never laughed like that with the Tailor of Enbizaka, he had never smiled like that, he had never given her such a fine gift like that.

Why? She asked. Why? Why? Why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhy. WHY.

The Tailor of Enbizaka committed her third murder.

What a cute hairpin, the Tailor of Enbizaka would say, but look here, the ribbon is coming undone. And then she would plunge her shears trough that small body and once again force her beloved to look at her. And quietly, the Tailor of Enbizaka would pluck the hairpin away and retie the knot with an experienced tug. The Tailor of Enbizaka watched her handiwork with satisfaction, and wiped her tears away.

And the next day, the Tailor of Enbizaka’s efforts paid off; he wandered the streets alone, looking tired and lonely, his tears streaming down his face. She ran home and put on the coat, the scarf, the hairpin, now her beloved’s only true love, the ideal girl for him. But when she ran out to meet him, she did just that.

“Oh, nice to meet you,” he said in between sobs. “I’m sorry, everything’s a bit of a mess.”

Why do you greet me like that? the Tailor of Enbizaka screamed. Why do you never come home to see me? Why do you fool around with those girls instead? Why do you leave me alone?

Why? She asked. Why? Why? Why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhy. WHY.

The Tailor of Enbizaka committed her fourth murder.

Out from the red coat’s pocket the red shears flew into her master’s hands, ripping the cloth with its honed blades. As the Tailor of Enbizaka’s hands flew forward, those murderous shears caught the scarf, ripping it in two. And as the shears plunged deep into his chest, his arms, his face, his lips, his shoulders, his legs, the hairpin was knocked away. The Tailor of Enbizaka leaned to cry on his mutilated chest, and fell onto her own bloodthirsty shears. She coughed up red blood and died in the street with him.

Tucked away in a little street off the market, tucked once more into a town tucked into the middle of a cloth of green plains, a tailor shop housed two wedding dresses. One was stained with blood, but stood on display. The other was eventually picked up by a brave client, who, before leaving, leaned her head against the condemned store’s display window, cursing conflict.

After a tearful mother sent away that client she arranged for the sale of the shop. Her daughter, so promising, had fallen in love, and this regretful mother denied her that joy, forcing her daughter onto the shear and needle. From so young the Tailor of Enbizaka took up tailoring, from so young her mother left her to tailor and sew and cut. When the Tailor of Enbizaka fell in love, she never knew how to deal with it, never knew to think rationally, and went insane with it, thrived off those fleeting feelings. The Red Coat Girl, the Green Scarf Girl, the Yellow Hairpin Girl… They were all the beloved’s sisters.

The Tailor of Enbizaka yearned simply for love.

Watch as I ravage the internet with my bullshit

I GOT REJECTED BY CORNELL.

I am having mixed feelings about it. Mostly LOL I KNEW IT BUT OKAY I GUESS THAT MEANS MORE WORK FOR ME. DAMMIT. I wrote a rejection letter to them. Here, in revised form since I’m no longer constrained by a single page.

Dear Cornell Admissions,

After a careful consideration lasting all of five minutes, I wholeheartedly have decided to reject your rejection of my admission, and will, regardless of whatever approval, attend Cornell University in whatever capacity is both optimally legal and intrusive, most likely by standing outside in the summer and taking in the global warming. I used calculus to figure this out. And now, I snarkily reject your rejection letter bit by bit.

First, do not use a colon after the “Dear recipient”: despite this concurrent irony, a comma should be used here instead, as is letter-writing convention. Obviously, however, I missed the consensus your prestigious Cornell professors reached about writing letters, and of course Cornell is good enough to spearhead this new revolution in grammatical convention. Second, lying is a sin, both in common society and to Christians. You spent an entire month and a half deciding these admissions; your consideration of approximately 3000 students was most likely rushed, but I suppose you are all professionals and can speed-consider. Speed-considering, however, is hardly careful, and this is where your faults lie. Third, anyone would and could take advantage of a Cornell-level education, so your even mentioning this is pretty much a null point. I would elaborate, but I only have a page with which to express my distaste at your lack of taste. Perhaps we could correspond on this subject some more later; you have all my information anyways. Fourth and finally, please be consistent with your grammatical mistakes. Use a colon after “Sincerely” if you insist on using one after “Dear recipient.”

I am sorry to report this unfortunate news to you, and ask that you keep security at the ready. I appreciate the superficial sentiment you showed in writing copying and pasting names onto this letter and urge you to expect and duly respond to a notification on Facebook concerning my impending transfer. Every year.

Please note, dear reader, that I did not actually send this letter, but I might later when I get into college. Sending a letter of this snarky caliber, however low, is tantamount to academic suicide. However, I urge you all to vent your anger and sadness by writing correspondence directed at admissions officers.

Sincerely,
Jon Lai

Seriously, I made some enemies by posting this on the internet. This is risky business.

PEOPLE ONLY COME TO MY BLOG FOR PORN. IF I PUT UP A PICTURE OF HAKUREI REIMU NAKIES, IS IT CP? SHE’S LIKE 16. LEGIT.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually spouted bullshit, so let’s do it. Wait, I do it all the time! Anyways, this time we are going to talk about the critical systems of a giant robot. Last time I talked about why a Gundam couldn’t exist. Now, assuming such a fallacy of SCIENCE could exist, I am going to attempt explaining how the fuck it would be outfitted given the existence of hammerspace and the non-existence of science. Also, assume I’m not talking about Full Metal Panic!’s M9, for once.

Starting from the top, we have the head. The head, inexplicably, is humanoid in shape, kind of like the rest of the thing, and, also inexplicably, will cause a cease in function of the unit unless your name is Amuro Ray, the only time decapitation has ever made sense. STABBING THE HEAD MAKES THE WHOLE THING EXPLODE. As such, there should be bombs installed in the head, or at least in the rest of the body and a trigger in the head. Bombs are supposed to blow up to potentially inflict damage upon the offending penetrator, but instead, they should just spew purple smoke. Reasonably enough, your eyes are put into the head, and machine guns are put right next to the head, unless your name is Domon Kasshu or Heero Yuy, and when you shoot them, the flare is filtered so you can’t see it. Wait, that means you can’t see when the enemy is shooting at you, either. GOD THEY’RE POINTING THEIR GUNS AT ME AND MAKING PEW PEW NOISES. I’M CHAFFING PURPLE SMOKE. Also, for the guns to actually do something, since they are effectually useless against other robots, you’d have to bend over, leaving your backside exposed to a good tapping. Next the body: it has to be bulky, like a fat woman; Gundams have uniboobs. Obviously, all the weight is somehow attached to the body. You have the jet-pack, extra equipment, some semblance of munitions, wings, fuel, a head, two or more arms, the pilot, and whatever the arms happen to pick up. In flight, the legs are sort of dangling around causing a force g down. In the case of the aforementioned angry Gundam pilots, you have more ammo stored next to the neck. The jet-pack is certainly an interesting place and since it’s glued to the torso with any manner of adhesive, it counts here. Attached to the jetpack you invariably have some kind of wing like apparatus, or perhaps you don’t -cough-RX-78-2/5-cough-, in which case I have no idea what you’re doing. Here is a wonder invention based on bullshit that I think makes sense if you think about it in a wonder invention sort of sense, but not in a logistics sort of sense. If this is true, then the jet-packs should be much bigger. Here, beam sabers are charged, thrust is provided, some type of combustible fuel is contained, wing control is manipulated, and a bunch of other things specific to the unit at hand, all racked into a space smaller than where the pilot supposedly sits.  On a Gernsback, the backpack is for holding your rocket launcher. On a Gundam, it’s where you live. Anyways, next is the arms. The arms are important, they hold your laser rifle for you so you don’t have to. The arms are usually pretty mundane, except for Exia/Gundam 00′s and Shining/God/Master Gundam’s/everyone in G Gundam’s. God Gundam, however, is god, so I can’t exactly satirize how the hands set on fire without melting, or why, for that matter, making the hand glow florescent green/fiery red/foreboding purple makes it more powerful. LOOK GUYS I’M HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT TO MY HAND. NOW DIE. Legs are boring too/I’m bored, so I’m just going to say that legs are unnecessary when you have wheelies like Lancelot and just hold more fuel so it looks like you’re stabilizing yourself in flight. Sometimes, you can put missiles onto perhaps one of the more important critical points, save the head and the jet-pack. Arms and torsos, as demonstrated by Lockon Stratos the Neil, are irrelevant.

UPDATE. Aoki Yuriko (Pen name Aoki Ko, Bakuman) is amazingly cute. I would say moe but it seems like her cute– what am I talk about I know nothing. Shame that Takagi decided to propose to Miyoshi. IT MAKES ME CAPS LOCK ANGRY. ALSO. Fatty should be stabbed with a nib pen, and because he is a fat fuck, he will not get braid-tails glasses chick from the country. I cannot be bothered to even remember Mashiro’s name, and the only reason I remember Azuki’s is because every single time I see it I think of red bean ice cream.

I think that’s enough… For this hour at least! I have to talk about my recent manga jaunts next. I’ll have that up in an hour, literally.